my life intentions

 I was  strolling through a graveyard a couple of weeks ago and a few of the older markers had remembrances on them about the loved one who lay there.  As I considered how I would like to be remembered, these intentions rose unbidden within me  Seeing them, I realized that these were the qualities most valued by me and a desire to cultivate them arose. 

I want to be remembered as someone who ~~~

1. is real
2. thinks and feels deeply
3. smiles often
4. has open hands

1.  Being authentic has been a driving force in me for the last decade. It brought me to where I sit today.  This is huge for me and something I continue to learn each day.  The first half of my life was spent conforming.  I tried to be what society said I should be, what I imagined a lover wanted me to be, what the church said I ought to be.  I repeatedly lost myself.  The reclaiming of my own personal sense of self has been painful, life-changing and incredibly liberating.  It is still a battle.  Often my first thoughts upon encountering a difficulty or fork in the road are a confusing jumble of wonderings — what do I truly feel?  What are my true thoughts on this?  I’m slowly unraveling the threads of the tightly woven costumes I created for myself based upon what I perceived I “should” feel, think or be and I continue to cut through the material searching for what is real.  It is tough work, this changing a lifetime habit.  (Tammy is wonderfully helpful with this.  She patiently stands by as I meander my way through to reality – never holding expectations or judgements as sign markers.  Her acceptance is simple and complete.  She sees me.  She waits for me to see clearly, she waits so patiently.  I love her ever more for this.)

2.  Thinking and feeling deeply are cornerstones for me.  Sometimes I wonder if I am in my head too much, but sitting in meditation helps me quiet the clamor.  Thinking deeply brings me to an understanding of myself, of others and of my perceived reality that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  It helps me fight the forces that oppose my becoming whole.  It helps me to find my way through difficult and unfamiliar terrain to my true home.  It helps me to awaken.  It stretches my mind into new dimensions.  It makes what I have read or studied mine.  It trains me not just to see, but to notice what I see.

Feeling deeply is important to me as well.  Caring about the struggles and the anguish of others, opening my heart to them.  Searching for ways to help alleviate their pain, to take their hand, to lead them to healing, to compassion, to joy.  Perhaps even to help them to awaken.  Tammy says this is my life calling, to provide succor, to aid, to listen and care.  It certainly is a very real force within me.

3. Smiling often.  Humor is extremely important to me.  I can’t imagine life without laughter.  Besides, I crack myself up!  I am clumsy, so there is often opportunity for laughter from my bumbling slapstick.  I also can be ditsy as hell – always good for a chuckle.  Plus, I can even occasionally be intentionally funny!

4.  Hands open.  To me, this symbolizes several things.  Not grasping.  (not easy, that one)  Generous, giving.  Accepting.  Open in love, not closed in a fist.  Looking for peaceful resolutions.  Open also to receiving what others may give to me.  Open to criticism.  Open to a new way of being.

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These are the qualities I most admire in others and desire for myself.  Take authenticity, for example.   When someone is genuine, you know it.  You can feel it.  When they smile, it opens your heart.  When they think and feel deeply, you are enriched by them.  When their hands are open, you know it.  You feel it – the love, the acceptance, the freedom.  A person like this – you sense their reality. They’re not hiding.  There are no secret agendas.  What you see is what you get.  They naturally share of themselves, it just happens.