He was there in my room,
A wild bird in a cage,
But I was a guest and not for me
To open the gate and set him free
However great my gloom
And unrepenting rage.
But not to see and not to hear
Was difficult to try:
The small red bird burst into song
And sang so sweetly all day long
I knew his presence near
And his inquiring eye—
So we exchanged some words;
And then I scattered seed
And put fresh water in his pan
And cleaned the litter from the pen,
Wondering about caged birds,
What more this one might need.
But oh, when night came then
I started up in fear
At the fierce wing-beat of despair
Hurled at the bars, hurting the air,
And the heart wild within
As if a hawk were near.
The room was sealed and dark,
And all that war within
Where on the small cramped stage
The bird fought with his cage
And then lay beaten down,
Almost extinguished spark.
And I went back to bed,
Trembling, who nothing could,
As if this scene had grown so huge
It ripped apart all subterfuge,
And naked now as God,
I wept hot tears like blood.
May Sarton
This is how I felt when I was trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. Now that I am using my efforts to be who I really am, I keep finding my feet leaving the ground. I keep noticing a buoyancy, a lightness. I’m so glad for the 2nd chance to become authentic, to be real. To be a 53 year old lesbian buddhist agnostic! I might feel a bit alone right now, not much in the way of friendship on this path (I should say, friends close by, I am filled with gratitude for fellow travelers on the web), but my heart overflows with happiness to be right here, right where I am supposed to be, right now.
"You talked about the first principle again, but I still don't know what it is," I said to Suzuki.
Are you aware of another of Sarton’s poems, “Now I Become Myself”? It has been referenced by so many people who like myself, “have worn other people’s faces,” to use a line from the poem.
Best wishes as you ensure that you “have your life,” to quote Sarton once more.
I spent nearly five years compiling her work into three self-published books and it was the most inspirational endeavor of my life. Bev Forbes
Thanks, Bev. I just recently found May Sarton and am enjoying her poems when I find them. I have read the one you reference. I love it. She must have been quite an amazing woman.
I absolutely love love love May Sarton. I discovered her memoirs before her poetry, and if you haven’t read them Twi, I think you would love them. Also, I feel the way you do. Lonely in my new walk, except for lovely internets (like you) who come up beside me, but happier than I’ve ever been. In a way, because I’m so happy, it’s perplexing that my old friends don’t understand and accept my new ways of thinking, yet, I understand because I used to think like they do. New ideas are scary, especially when they involve different ways of viewing God (or love!). But the sacrifices are worth it, aren’t they? Because life now feels full, and right. love love