Feeling alone
May 3, 2009
Sometimes I feel so out of sync with the rest of the world. I know it’s because of the 20 years I spent in church. It’s not just that I don’t know what people are talking about when they reference music or movies. It’s more than that. It’s that the first 15 years I spent after leaving home I was one way, then for the next 20 I was radically different, now for the last 4 or I’ve been radically different again. The thing is, for the first 15 I knew where I stood. I had very little self-awareness, but I fit into a people group…hippie, stoner, atheist, activist, mother-earth, etc. Then for the next 20 I was christian, part of the club, seeker, pray-er, worshipper, studier of the bible, note-taker at sermons and conferences, mentor, leader, teacher.
But what am I now? What group am I a part of? I don’t know many old ex-hippie recovering fundamentalist lesbian buddhists. I don’t know anyone who shares my experiences and that feels lonely.
I am slowly becoming more comfortable with the “not-knowing” place I am in spiritually. And I am slowly getting more accepting of the messiness that is me. I don’t hide from my ugliness like I used to and I can see and appreciate the beauty in who I am more than I did. So that is good, I suppose. I don’t feel lost. I don’t feel I am in a bad place. Just a place where I am becoming comfortable with having left the shore in this little boat, without much of a clue as to where I am going or where the land even is, anymore. It feels okay. It feels right.
When I begin to feel sad about the twists and turns of my life, how long it has taken me to get to this place of authenticity, I remember something I read:
Whether success or failure: the truth of a life really has little to do with its quality. The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention. (May Sarton)
And this:
The reward for attention is healing. Ultimately, it is the pain of being alone that is healed as attention is an act of connection. (Shakti Gawain)
i don’t know anyone who is in my group either… and it does make me feel out of sync… but then, i do know there are others who feel out of sync too, and though we may not share the same story in the details, there is a sort of solidarity in that “out-of-sync-ness” itself…
thank you, jonanne. you make me feel just a bit more connected.